Your best friend in the whole world, a guy you've grown up with and known since kindergarten, has decided to take up smoking (or drinking, drugs, unprotected promiscuity... insert reckless lifestyle here). You first notice him lighting up at a party, and you're shocked to realize that he has made such a choice. You know he's heard all the stories about how bad smoking is for you because you sat next to him at all the tobacco free assemblies at school, and you helped him to his seat after he looked a little green when watching the teacher in health class do the "how smoking affects the lungs" presentation using real pig lungs and cigarettes.
Yet, here he is, a person you love and care about and want to see prosper, making an obviously unhealthy choice.
What do you do now?
This conundrum is faced on a daily basis by people who see others follow paths that lead to destruction. The question is answered in many ways. (This is not an exhaustive list.)
Option 1: You could do nothing. It is never your responsibility to save someone from their own choices.
Pros:
*Your loved one will not be offended or angry at your attempts to intervene.
*He will remain your friend for the time being.
Cons:
*This option is difficult because you love the person and want to see him prosper, but you know that his choices will not lead to prosperity.
*Your friendship will likely end because of your friend's unhealthy choices at some point. (Whether they become too lost in their unhealthy choice to even be the person you once knew and loved or his unhealthy choice leads to his death.)
*If you continue to interact closely with someone making an unhealthy choice, you might also begin making that choice yourself.
Option 2: You could take on his burdens as your own.
Pros:
*He will remain your friend for the immediate time.
*While he may get offended, the fact that you're taking on some of his burdens will cause him to come back and not be offended for too long.
*Since he does not have to carry his burdens alone, he might make it a little further than if you just did nothing.
Cons:
*You will drown in his sorrows.
*Your friend will not actually stop making his unhealthy choices. (See cons above.)
*This may actually enable your friend to find it easier to make his unhealthy choices.
*Your friend will not grow.
*You will be destroyed along with your friend eventually.
Option 3: You could attempt to convince them to stop making unhealthy choices using guilt, shame, and fear. This popular option has been used by parents, teachers, doctors, ministers, politicians, media personalities, etc for as long as human history has been recorded.
Pros:
*Your friend will temporarily stop making his unhealthy choices.
*You will look righteous.
*Your friend might be able to prosper temporarily while the unhealthy choice is in hiatus.
Cons:
*Your friend will return to his unhealthy choice eventually because he never dealt with the root problem that caused his desire to be for that unhealthy choice.
*If your friend ever overcomes this unhealthy choice due to dealing with the root of the problem, he will also have the added burden of overcoming the guilt, shame, and fear that was used to try and help him in the first place.
*Your friend will begin to doubt his own value and believe he deserves all the pain that has been caused by his unhealthy choice and all the pain that caused him to make that unhealthy choice in the first place.
*You will not have dealt healthfully with your fear of losing your friend.
*Your friend will come to resent you for the guilt, shame, and fear that he feels.
Option 4: You could cast a vision of a better future.
Pros:
*A vision will motivate your friend to change without putting the added burdens of guilt, shame, and fear.
*Visions are beautiful.
*Visions are the foundations of lives. (People perish for lack of vision.) Everyone does need a vision upon which to build their choices.
Cons:
*You cannot cast a vision that you do not yourself see, and it is unlikely you see the full picture of your friends' life.
*You cannot cast a specific, individualized vision for a large group of people.
*If you become the vision-caster, you will foster and unhealthy dependence upon you in your friend. (See option 2 above).
*Your friend will not grow in his relationship with Yahweh.
Option 5: Working with Holy Spirit, your friend, and the vision that you have been given by Yahweh, you can walk with your friend through a difficult time in order to deal with the root of the problem that causes him to desire an unhealthy thing and eliminate the problem from the root by growing a vision of the Promise that your friend and Yahweh worked together to create for his specific life.
Pros:
*None of the problems with the above options come with this option.
*Your friend knows that he is loved and cared about, no matter what happens.
*Your friend has the opportunity to make changes.
*Your friend has a vision upon which to build his life.
*This furthers your friends' relationship with Yahweh.
*Your friend will be enabled to stand on his own with Holy Spirit.
*Your friend will truly prosper and continue to prosper.
*The unhealthy choice will no longer be a desire for your friend in comparison with the beautiful vision and relationship he has with Yahweh.
*Eventually, your friend will be able to minister to others out of his time of making unhealthy choices.
*Your friend will grow.
*Your friend will know how to deal with future issues that come up in his life.
*Your relationship with your friend will be strong and healthy.
Cons:
*You have no control over whether or not your loved one will choose to walk out this journey. If he does not, the unhealthy choice will take over his life and...
*You may not see the vision come to pass in the way you thought it would.
*This option is time-consuming. It requires a heavy investment in a person.
*This is easier said than done.
*There is no manual, no pre-recorded instruction on how to do this. No two relationships--no two people--are the same. Therefore it gets messy.
I'm sure you can guess which option I think is best. Option 5 keeps with the truth that it is not your responsibility to save someone while helping you deal healthfully with the fear of losing your friend and giving you and your friend and opportunity to walk together and grow in Holy Spirit. If, ultimately, our goal is to grow in knowing Yahweh, I would choose this choice.
I haven't seen option 1 chosen very often because there is such a love for the person you want to help in this scenario. Option 2 is sometimes chosen, leading to a codependent enabling relationship that ultimately takes both members down if not dealt with. Unfortunately, most people--out of their own fear of losing a loved-one and mistaken sense of responsibility for others' lives--choose option 3, sometimes in conjunction with the second option of codependency. Guilt, shame, and fear is the most religious option as it exerts an external control over a person in order to "help" them. I would only ask this question in regards to this option: Which is better for a person, smoking or shame? Obesity or guilt? Drug addiction or utter self-loathing? If you answer "neither," then this option is not for you.
The option that is closest to the choice I would make is option 4, casting a vision. Close, but not quite. This removes the truth that it is not your responsibility to save someone, and it also does not allow a person to grow closer to Holy Spirit. If you are constantly the one casting a vision for a person, I would guess that the relationship would eventually devolve into a codependent relationship and go down from there.
In the end, life does require a vision, but it also requires growth. The choice I would make is not the easy one, but it does allow for vision, onus, growth, relationship, and Love. I am not saying I'm very good at it. I'm not even sure how to do it, really. It is so individualized for each person. Yet, the benefits are inarguable.
I more than anyone I know am still figuring out how to relate to others. The truth is, most relationships are a combination of all of the options above with probably more thrown in. However, as someone who has had to overcome a lot of unhealthy choices and random adversity in my life, I can tell you that the option that helped me most is the one where Yahweh and I move forward together with the support of Spirit-led friends who have the vision of Yahweh. No other option helped in any way at all. In fact, they've often hindered my growth in relationship with Yahweh since I've had to overcome both the initial issue and the guilt or fear (or codependency or feeling that no one cares, etc) in addition.
Ultimately, each person is responsible for their own choices, but we can walk alongside and together with each other in healthful ways so that we can help each other make the healthiest choices without any condemnation.
Because in the end, I have never ever met a bad person, but I've known a great many people in a great deal of pain.
Yet, here he is, a person you love and care about and want to see prosper, making an obviously unhealthy choice.
What do you do now?
This conundrum is faced on a daily basis by people who see others follow paths that lead to destruction. The question is answered in many ways. (This is not an exhaustive list.)
Option 1: You could do nothing. It is never your responsibility to save someone from their own choices.
Pros:
*Your loved one will not be offended or angry at your attempts to intervene.
*He will remain your friend for the time being.
Cons:
*This option is difficult because you love the person and want to see him prosper, but you know that his choices will not lead to prosperity.
*Your friendship will likely end because of your friend's unhealthy choices at some point. (Whether they become too lost in their unhealthy choice to even be the person you once knew and loved or his unhealthy choice leads to his death.)
*If you continue to interact closely with someone making an unhealthy choice, you might also begin making that choice yourself.
Option 2: You could take on his burdens as your own.
Pros:
*He will remain your friend for the immediate time.
*While he may get offended, the fact that you're taking on some of his burdens will cause him to come back and not be offended for too long.
*Since he does not have to carry his burdens alone, he might make it a little further than if you just did nothing.
Cons:
*You will drown in his sorrows.
*Your friend will not actually stop making his unhealthy choices. (See cons above.)
*This may actually enable your friend to find it easier to make his unhealthy choices.
*Your friend will not grow.
*You will be destroyed along with your friend eventually.
Option 3: You could attempt to convince them to stop making unhealthy choices using guilt, shame, and fear. This popular option has been used by parents, teachers, doctors, ministers, politicians, media personalities, etc for as long as human history has been recorded.
Pros:
*Your friend will temporarily stop making his unhealthy choices.
*You will look righteous.
*Your friend might be able to prosper temporarily while the unhealthy choice is in hiatus.
Cons:
*Your friend will return to his unhealthy choice eventually because he never dealt with the root problem that caused his desire to be for that unhealthy choice.
*If your friend ever overcomes this unhealthy choice due to dealing with the root of the problem, he will also have the added burden of overcoming the guilt, shame, and fear that was used to try and help him in the first place.
*Your friend will begin to doubt his own value and believe he deserves all the pain that has been caused by his unhealthy choice and all the pain that caused him to make that unhealthy choice in the first place.
*You will not have dealt healthfully with your fear of losing your friend.
*Your friend will come to resent you for the guilt, shame, and fear that he feels.
Option 4: You could cast a vision of a better future.
Pros:
*A vision will motivate your friend to change without putting the added burdens of guilt, shame, and fear.
*Visions are beautiful.
*Visions are the foundations of lives. (People perish for lack of vision.) Everyone does need a vision upon which to build their choices.
Cons:
*You cannot cast a vision that you do not yourself see, and it is unlikely you see the full picture of your friends' life.
*You cannot cast a specific, individualized vision for a large group of people.
*If you become the vision-caster, you will foster and unhealthy dependence upon you in your friend. (See option 2 above).
*Your friend will not grow in his relationship with Yahweh.
Option 5: Working with Holy Spirit, your friend, and the vision that you have been given by Yahweh, you can walk with your friend through a difficult time in order to deal with the root of the problem that causes him to desire an unhealthy thing and eliminate the problem from the root by growing a vision of the Promise that your friend and Yahweh worked together to create for his specific life.
Pros:
*None of the problems with the above options come with this option.
*Your friend knows that he is loved and cared about, no matter what happens.
*Your friend has the opportunity to make changes.
*Your friend has a vision upon which to build his life.
*This furthers your friends' relationship with Yahweh.
*Your friend will be enabled to stand on his own with Holy Spirit.
*Your friend will truly prosper and continue to prosper.
*The unhealthy choice will no longer be a desire for your friend in comparison with the beautiful vision and relationship he has with Yahweh.
*Eventually, your friend will be able to minister to others out of his time of making unhealthy choices.
*Your friend will grow.
*Your friend will know how to deal with future issues that come up in his life.
*Your relationship with your friend will be strong and healthy.
Cons:
*You have no control over whether or not your loved one will choose to walk out this journey. If he does not, the unhealthy choice will take over his life and...
*You may not see the vision come to pass in the way you thought it would.
*This option is time-consuming. It requires a heavy investment in a person.
*This is easier said than done.
*There is no manual, no pre-recorded instruction on how to do this. No two relationships--no two people--are the same. Therefore it gets messy.
I'm sure you can guess which option I think is best. Option 5 keeps with the truth that it is not your responsibility to save someone while helping you deal healthfully with the fear of losing your friend and giving you and your friend and opportunity to walk together and grow in Holy Spirit. If, ultimately, our goal is to grow in knowing Yahweh, I would choose this choice.
I haven't seen option 1 chosen very often because there is such a love for the person you want to help in this scenario. Option 2 is sometimes chosen, leading to a codependent enabling relationship that ultimately takes both members down if not dealt with. Unfortunately, most people--out of their own fear of losing a loved-one and mistaken sense of responsibility for others' lives--choose option 3, sometimes in conjunction with the second option of codependency. Guilt, shame, and fear is the most religious option as it exerts an external control over a person in order to "help" them. I would only ask this question in regards to this option: Which is better for a person, smoking or shame? Obesity or guilt? Drug addiction or utter self-loathing? If you answer "neither," then this option is not for you.
The option that is closest to the choice I would make is option 4, casting a vision. Close, but not quite. This removes the truth that it is not your responsibility to save someone, and it also does not allow a person to grow closer to Holy Spirit. If you are constantly the one casting a vision for a person, I would guess that the relationship would eventually devolve into a codependent relationship and go down from there.
In the end, life does require a vision, but it also requires growth. The choice I would make is not the easy one, but it does allow for vision, onus, growth, relationship, and Love. I am not saying I'm very good at it. I'm not even sure how to do it, really. It is so individualized for each person. Yet, the benefits are inarguable.
I more than anyone I know am still figuring out how to relate to others. The truth is, most relationships are a combination of all of the options above with probably more thrown in. However, as someone who has had to overcome a lot of unhealthy choices and random adversity in my life, I can tell you that the option that helped me most is the one where Yahweh and I move forward together with the support of Spirit-led friends who have the vision of Yahweh. No other option helped in any way at all. In fact, they've often hindered my growth in relationship with Yahweh since I've had to overcome both the initial issue and the guilt or fear (or codependency or feeling that no one cares, etc) in addition.
Ultimately, each person is responsible for their own choices, but we can walk alongside and together with each other in healthful ways so that we can help each other make the healthiest choices without any condemnation.
Because in the end, I have never ever met a bad person, but I've known a great many people in a great deal of pain.
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